Until It's Gone
by BCRebel
Summary: It's often hard to tell how much someone means to you. Jade West struggles as her life and relationships get complicated. It takes a brush with disaster and an uncertain future to show her what really matters most. A story told in flashbacks. Jat.
1. Chapter 1

Jade hates the hospital; the sterile air, the too-clean hallways, the false cheerfulness and optimism of the staff. Jade hates a lot of things, the majority of which come with a list of valid reasons as long as her arm, but right now she just really hates hospitals.

Jade hates hospitals but more than anything she hates how helpless this one is making her feel. She stands, she watches, she waits and it kills her to know there's nothing she can do.

Sitting alone in the hospital bed with tubes everywhere Cat looks so small. She hasn't moved in what feels like days. Jade knows. She's been watching, waiting for the other girl to wake up, to smile like she always does and bounce off happily like she normally would in search of food. Cat doesn't move though. She doesn't smile. She lies still and breathes slowly and Jade watches her and waits for a sign that things are going to be ok.

The sterile white walls and clean white sheets are a stark contrast to the bright red of Cat's hair. She looks fragile and the fire of her hair emphasizes the color that isn't in her cheeks. It makes the scene all the more difficult to look at but Jade can't look away.

It isn't until Jade reaches up to brush a fiery red streak of her own hair out of her eyes that she notices the tears that have been falling steadily down her face. She doesn't know when they started. It doesn't matter. Cat won't wake up and nothing else seems important.

The unexpected appearance of Tori Vega interrupts Jade's silent vigil. Her presence is unwelcome, her voice more so, but Jade knows she's not Cat's only friend and can't find it in herself to be cruel.

"Are you crying?" Tori asks; her surprise so evident it kills all of Jade's sympathy, "I didn't think you were capable."

Jade's voice is cold and hollow when she responds, "Can we not do this right now?"

"I'm sorry. I just didn't think you cared about people."

Jade gives her an icy glare, "Cat's my best friend, Tori. Of course I care."

Tori sighs, "Look, I'm sorry Jade. I know this isn't exactly easy for any of us. I just… I didn't expect to see you crying. Expected you to be off brooding somewhere."

Jade turns back to look at Cat through the window, "Because you know me so well after all. Please Tori, just go away. I can't deal with you right now."

Tori looks slightly offended, "You know, Jade, you aren't Cat's only friend. I care about her too. We all do."

Jade doesn't move at all as she responds, "That's great, Tori. Good for you. Now leave, please. This is all your fault anyway. If you hadn't… If you'd never come to Hollywood arts things never would have gotten to this point. Cat would've… she wouldn't have been in that car tonight. She would have stayed at my house and none of this would have happened."

She stares at Cat's unconscious form silently for a moment before continuing, "If you had never come here things between Beck and I would be just like they used to be. Things with Cat would never have gotten so…"

Jade trails off into silence. Tori breaks it after a moment, "I'm sorry for the way things happened when I came to Hollywood Arts, but I can't be sorry for the way things are. You can't blame this on me anymore than you can yourself. Accidents happen, Jade."

"That's reassuring, Tori. I'm sure Cat would appreciate it. I'll be sure to tell her if she wakes up."

Tori sighs, "Alright, I'll leave you to your brooding then. Cat's going to be ok, Jade."

Jade doesn't watch as Tori leaves. She watches the slow rise and fall of Cat's chest and raises her hand up to press it against the glass. _She'd better be_, Jade thinks as another tear makes its way silently down her cheek.


	2. Chapter 2

One Month Earlier

There's a bench outside of Hollywood Arts where Jade does most of her brooding. That isn't what she would call it, brooding is Cat's term, but she does like to go there to think. It's fairly out of the way, which at this school means it isn't inside or between the main entrance and the parking lot, so people don't bother her.

Today her brooding has a particular focus: Tori Vega. The girl is seemingly everywhere and Jade can't seem to get away. Jade doesn't always hate Tori. Vega has her redeeming qualities, she is genuinely talented, she's likeable, but the more Jade is forced to deal with her the less that makes up for her one fatal flaw: Beck.

Jade is used to simple. She _likes_ simple. Before Tori came along things between her and Beck _were_ simple. They aren't now. Tori has mixed things up. She's shown Beck what Jade's _not_ and shown Jade how things with Beck should be. Beck opens up to Tori in ways he never has with Jade. Their conversations have always been subdued, short and to the point. Jade's always figured that's just how they were. She doesn't need to discuss the specifics of her life on a regular basis with her boyfriend, she has Cat for that, but the more time Beck spends with Tori the more obvious it is that that's where he wants to be spending all of it. Jade's almost offended he hasn't ended things already.

"Aw, you're brooding again. What is it? Pissed that Sikowitz gave you a B on your monologue?" Cat's cheerful voice interrupts Jade's train of thought.

"Something like that. Sure. How did you find me?"

"Oh I know where you like to spend your angry 'Me' time. So tell me all about it. What problems are we dwelling on today?" the redhead asks as she takes a seat on the bench next to Jade.

"Guess."

"Oh that's no fun, you're way too predictable. Is it Tori or Beck this time?"

Jade shakes her head at Cat's tone, "God I really am pathetic, aren't I?"

Cat just throws an arm around her friend's shoulder, "Oh I wouldn't say that. So enlighten me. Why do you hate Tori Vega so much, and don't spare the details. Make me hate her too."

Jade gives a weak laugh, "If only I had those kinds of reasons. I just hate her for how easily everything comes to her. I practically had to threaten my parents to get them to send me here. God forbid their precious daughter wanted to be an _actress_. Tori's sister has allergies, she sings one song and is invited here with open arms while her parents practically push her out the door. Tell me it doesn't bother you, how _good_ she is at everything."

"It doesn't. Not really," Cat says with a shrug, "but that isn't the real reason you hate her so much. It can't be. I make good grades. I'm good at things and you don't hate me, do you?"

Jade shakes her head again, "Cat, that's different. We're friends. You do well and I'm excited for you. You work hard for your talent. Tori just shows up out of nowhere and she's good at everything. It's all so effortless, and now she's got everyone just falling all over themselves to please her. Andre and Robbie follow her around like lost puppies. She's Sikowitz's new favorite after one month and Beck…"

Cat nods, "See, I knew you would get there eventually."

Jade is mildly confused, "Get where?"

"To what's really bothering you. You hate her because she's crushing on Beck."

"It's not that. Not really. I could get past her crushing on Beck easily enough. What really bothers me is that I'm pretty sure it's mutual."

Cat takes Jade's hand in her own, "You really think things between Beck and Tori go both ways? I've never been all that good at reading Beck. He's broodier than you are and unlike you he's just as hard to read around me as he is everyone else."

Jade stares quietly at the side of the school building for a moment, "I really think they do. Beck's just… he's different around her than he is with me, or anyone else for that matter. Happier, if I had to find a word for it. It hurts and I know it's only going to get worse. I want to find some way to show him that I'm better than Tori, that he belongs with me… but I'm not sure he does."

Cat squeezes Jade's hand once before covering it with her other one, "Some things just don't work out, Jade."

Jade looks at Cat helplessly, "Is it wrong that I'd rather be miserable together with him than alone while he and Tori are happy?"

Cat gives her a sad smile, "Maybe, maybe not. But it's going to happen eventually. I think you need to end it on your own terms. And Jade? You won't be alone you know. We're not all desperate for Tori's attention."

Jade gives a weak smile in return, "Thanks Cat. I'll keep that in mind."

The lunch bell interrupts Jade's last sentence and Cat immediately jumps to her feet, "Oh my god food!" the redhead exclaims excitedly as she takes off toward the nearby building.

Jade gathers her bag and watches Cat's retreating form as she enters the high school. She laughs softly, "Don't ever change, Cat," she says quietly to herself.


	3. Chapter 3

Things don't end smoothly between Jade and Beck.

Jade finds herself uncharacteristically nervous about bringing up Tori around him. It takes several days after her conversation with Cat to even broach the subject and the resulting dialogue resolves nothing.

Beck writes off Jade's concerns as typical Jade-esque jealousy; tells her not to worry, Tori's just a friend. What he fails to understand is that Jade _knows_ that. Of course Tori is just a friend, Beck is dating Jade after all. It's not a matter of what she _is; _it's a matter of what Beck wants her to be.

It happens one week to the hour after her first conversation with Cat on the subject. Jade spends her free period before lunch on her bench contemplating Beck and Tori, again. Nothing comes to mind that she hasn't already thought of or that Cat hasn't already pointed out. Jade strengthens her resolve to end things with Beck but still has no idea how she's going to go about it. Beck is a friend, a good one, one Jade is afraid of losing and she doesn't see how this can end well.

The lunch bell finally interrupts Jade's inner turmoil and the conflicted girl is forced to leave her secluded stone sanctuary in search of food. It's not until she already has her food and is settling into a seat in the cafeteria that she remembers she _really_ needs to talk to Sikowitz before class to ask for an extension on the scene she was supposed to prepare.

Sikowitz's classroom is on the other side of the campus from the cafeteria. It's only as she is turning into the hallway outside of the classroom that Jade realizes she actually has no idea where the eccentric drama instructor's office is and it's unlikely he spends his free periods in a classroom with no desk.

Just as Jade is about to turn around she hears sounds coming from what should be the empty drama classroom. Deciding to investigate, she makes her way over to the darkened classroom. It wouldn't surprise Jade in the least to find Sikowitz on the floor of the empty room meditating over his coconuts or whatever it is people like Sikowitz do with their spare time.

"Hello? Sikowitz?" Jade calls out into the room as she opens the door and flicks on the lights.

A gasp comes from the other end of the room and Jade sees two forms quickly jump apart. Jade looks down at her feet impatiently and grumbles to herself; _great, no Sikowitz, just two idiots looking for a spot to make out._ It isn't until she hears the shorter idiot call out her name in a panic that she realizes the voice belongs to none other than Tori Vega. The panic in her tone draws Jade's attention and she immediately recognizes Vega's accomplice.

Jade's voice is cold and sharp as steel when she speaks up again, "Vega. Leave. Now."

Tori looks helplessly between Jade and the boy next to her, "Jade, I swear this isn't what it looks like. He didn't-"

"Out. _Now_." Jade repeats. She doesn't raise her voice but her tone cuts through the air like a knife.

Tori gives one last apologetic look to her male companion before making her way shakily to the door.

"Jade, I…" she tries one last time as she reaches the door but Jade pointedly ignores her and Tori finally gives up and leaves, closing the door quietly behind her.

Jade's icy demeanor slips a bit as the door clicks shut behind her.

She gives a long, drawn out sigh, "Beck, I'd say I'm shocked but…"

Beck has a helpless look of his own plastered across his face and his eyes couldn't be more apologetic when he starts, "Jade, this really isn't what it looks like. We weren't-"

"You weren't what? Making out with Tori? No I kind of saw that part. Try again."

"No. No that part did happen, but I swear it didn't mean anything, Jade. It just happened. I was going to say we weren't sneaking around behind your back. This wasn't planned, Jade. We were in here rehearsing a scene and then…"

Jade gives a defeated sigh and her anger slowly gives way to a resigned hopelessness, "And I guess that makes it all better. Doesn't it."

Beck gives a helpless shrug, "No. It doesn't, but I swear, Jade, it won't ever happen again. It was a mistake and I'm so sorry. I-"

"Beck-"

"Tori's just a friend, Jade. I swear. Please-"

"Beck. Stop. Just… stop. I get it, ok? You aren't a cheat. I get it. I know you, Beck. I know this wasn't premeditated. I know if you promise it won't happen again then it won't. I get it."

Jade takes another deep breath and lets it out slowly, "That isn't the point though. We aren't _working_ Beck. You know it. I know it. _Everyone_ knows it. It's time we both stop trying so hard to hold onto something that's already broken."

Beck reaches out to put a hand on Jade's cheek but she turns away from his touch, "Jade. Please don't do this. I know I screwed up but this doesn't have to be the end for us. I l-"

"You what? Love me? No you don't. You think you do but you don't. It's so obvious it's a wonder you're the last to know. Maybe you just feel obligated. You feel more for Tori than you ever did for me. It's over, Beck. Just, you know, go be happy or whatever."

Beck takes hold of Jade's right hand with his own, "Jade. I don't have feelings for Tori. Please…"

Jade takes a step back and drops his hand, "Beck. Stop. It's over, ok? And it's been coming for a long time. Don't make this harder than it has to be. Just go. Chase after Tori or something. Even if you don't have feelings for her, it's still done Beck. Just leave, please. I can't deal with this right now."

Beck's shoulders slump in defeat as Jade walks away from him and takes a seat on the edge of the stage and begins staring silently at her own hands. Beck finally gives up and, with one last look at Jade's stoic form on the stage, exits the classroom.

As the door clicks shut Jade slumps forward and takes her head in her hands as she finally lets the tears fall.

Jade stays seated on the small stage, silently sobbing for a long time and that is exactly how Cat finds her ten minutes later when she enters the classroom fifteen minutes early for the next class.

The redhead doesn't say anything, just silently takes a seat next to the broken girl on the stage and wraps an arm tightly around her shoulders. Jade buries her head in her friend's neck as she wills the tears to stop.

After several minutes Cat nudges the other girl softly and carefully helps her to her feet.

"Come on, let's find a bathroom and get you cleaned up, then we can skip the rest of the day and go get ice cream or something. Alright?"

Jade doesn't say anything but gives the other girl a thankful smile as they leave the empty classroom behind.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: **This is late, like, _very._ Sorry about that. Finals and my chronic inability to self motivate made getting this written a struggle, but here it is, finally. Thanks for staying with this. Read, review, enjoy :) I'm always interested in hearing anything you guys have to say, good or bad.

* * *

From Sikowitz's classroom Cat leads a largely unresponsive Jade to the nearby bathroom where she helps her wash off what's left of her make up. Cat doesn't say much – she knows that's not what Jade needs right now – and Jade doesn't say anything. Something has thoroughly broken the other girl, and while Cat has a pretty good idea of what it is, she can't help but wonder if she's going about this the right way. Cat's never seen Jade like this before, not even when her parents had kicked Beck out of her house shortly into their relationship and told her if they ever caught her with 'that boy' again they'd be sending her back to public school. As Cat takes her hand and leads her away from the school, the older girl gives her a small but heartfelt smile that gives Cat hope that she's doing something right.

Jade appears to have herself under control by the time the pair reaches a small ice cream parlor not far from campus. Jade takes a seat at a small booth near the window while Cat orders them both milkshakes before joining her.

They sit in silence while they wait for their order; Jade staring in turns vacantly out the window and down at her hands while Cat watches her friend closely and waits for her to speak. After a while, Cat's attention is drawn to something outside of the window that Jade can't see and a content smile forms on her face as she follows it with her eyes. Jade matches her smile with a small one of her own until the moment is broken by one of the employees as she brings the girls their milkshakes. Cat smiles brightly at the woman as she hands her the drink while Jade gives her a slight nod and otherwise ignores her until she leaves to return to the register. Cat silently emotes her excitement over the milkshake with a barely contained squeal as Jade looks down at her own thoughtfully.

"Um, thanks, Cat. You know, for everything. I'm… I'm glad you're here," Jade starts quietly while she fiddles with her straw and gives Cat another small smile. The redhead smiles warmly in response before taking a sip from her shake.

"I'm betting you already know, but I just broke up with Beck. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I think that's why it hurts so much."

Jade falls silent after that and picks up her milkshake to take a drink. Cat nods encouragingly. After another brief moment Cat speaks up to fill the silence.

"So. Do you… do you think he and Tori will…" Cat trails off uncomfortably at the look or hurt in Jade's eyes. She reaches across the table and covers the older girls hand with her own.

Jade finally lets out a brief, humorless laugh before speaking again, "Will? Try 'have.' I caught them making out in the drama room. I knew I should have ended things sooner. I can't believe he would go behind my back like that. I mean, I know he doesn't really love me… but I trusted him! I don't know what's worse, the thought that he would knowingly cheat on me like that or that he was honestly too clueless to see where things were going…"

Jade shakes her head to clear her thoughts before she takes another drink.

"You know, he's still convinced he loves me. Even after… I mean have you seen the way they look at each other? How do you go about _not _picking up on that? And then he wants to convince me there's nothing there? Then when I told him things were over… I really think I hurt him, which just goes and makes everything worse. I'm the one who's supposed to be hurting right now! He's the one who was cheating. I didn't do anything. What did I do wrong? Beck's always been a friend, even before we were dating. I just… it hurts."

Jade trails off as she looks across the table to Cat. The younger girl is looking wide-eyed out the window with a vacant smile on her face as her eyes once again follow something Jade isn't seeing. The redhead's lapsed attention would anger anyone who doesn't know her like Jade does but the brunette knows Cat's hearing what's important.

Cat's face lights up as she spots a small dog being walked by its owner past the store window. Jade can't help but smile at the look of childlike exuberance on the redhead's face. As the dog passes out of view Cat turns back to look at Jade and meets her smile head on and the two share a comfortable silence for a few moments.

"You have a really beautiful smile," Cat says breaking the silence.

Jade looks down at her hands for a second before meeting Cat's eyes again, "Thanks. You do too."

Cat nods her head slightly but otherwise ignores the returned compliment, "You should smile more often."

Jade furrows her brow for a second, "What are you talking about? I smile all the time."

The younger girl shakes her head briefly and takes another sip of her shake, "No you don't. You don't smile, you smirk. When you're being mean to Tori, or when you do better at something than everyone else, or when you're rubbing Beck in everyone else's fa- Never mind, you know what I mean. You should smile like you were just now. You know, the smile you get when you think no one's looking, or when I do something you think is cute and you can't help it. That one!"

Jade looks down at her milkshake with a small smile on her face as Cat continues talking.

…

"_Am I the only person who can get you to smile like that?"_

The sound of footsteps on the cold tile of the waiting room interrupts Jade's thoughts before a brightly colored can of soda is thrust into her field of vision. She ignores it for a moment, trying to lose herself in her thoughts again but the soda and its attached hand are insistent. Jade finally looks up from her focus on the floor in front of her to see Andre on the other end of the can; wearing a tentative smile and holding the soda out expectantly.

"Can I help you?" Jade asks impatiently.

Andre's smile doesn't falter but he looks around nervously, "I don't know. You just… you looked like you could use some company."

Jade gives an emotionless laugh before settling her gaze back on the bright tiles of the hospital floor, "Thanks, but I'm not interested."

Andre's face falls as Jade dismisses him and he stands still for moment, considering what to do before moving to leave as he lets his shoulders slump. Jade lets out a frustrated sigh before reaching out and taking the soda out of the boy's hand. Andre turns and with a small smile moves to take a seat across from Jade in the small waiting room.

"I'm thirsty. Don't get all excited. I'm not interested in sharing and caring."

Andre ignores her comment as he settles into the small padded chair opposite hers as she opens the soda and takes a drink. He continues to watch her quietly until she lets out a sigh and shifts to stare again at the tiled floor.

"God, Jade. You really are full of yourself. You know you aren't the only person who cares about Cat, don't you?" Andre says out of frustration when he finally breaks the long silence.

Jade takes another sip from the soda and doesn't look up from the floor, "Great. Well then, you should have no trouble carrying this conversation on your own then, should you?"

There's another long silence while Andre glares at Jade and she continues to ignore him.

"Look, I get it. I know you feel like you have to do this for her, but you haven't left the hospital for more than an hour or two all weekend. You can't put your life on hold waiting for her just because she's your best friend. We all care about Cat. It's not like we don't understand."

Jade finally looks up to meet his eyes with an icy glare, "You all keep saying that like you don't think I get it, or like I don't believe you and if you say it enough I'll change my mind. Andre, _I know._ I get that I'm not the only friend Cat has. I'm not here out of some moronic sense of obligation, like if I'm not here no one else will be. I'm here because I don't know where else to be!"

Jade's focus shifts back to the can in her hands and she realizes she's probably said too much. Andre doesn't respond for a moment and once again an uncomfortable silence falls over the pair.

Andre sighs and his tone is much softer when he starts talking again, "Jade, I'm sorry. I know you two are close. None of us ever really understood things between you two but it's obvious she means a lot to you. Please go home, Jade. You can't do anything for her here that her doctors aren't already doing better. You need sleep, and food. Maybe a shower…"

Jade glares at him over her soda, but her eyes hold no real malice.

"See, there's the Jade I've been looking for. Come on. I can give you a ride home and you can be back here after school tomorrow. It'll be fine, Jade," Andre offers with a warm smile.

Jade seems to consider this for a moment but her face finally falls back to the blank look she'd held when Andre arrived and she lets out another small sigh, "I – I can't, Andre. I just… I need to be here, when she wakes up. She needs to know that – Look, I just can't leave. I'm sorry."

Andre gives her a searching look for a moment, "Is this about the fight you two were having? I know you guys had been pretty distant with each other last week. Jade, I know Cat will forgive you, or if she's the one at fault it's obvious you've forgiven her. She wouldn't want this, Jade. They'll call you as soon as she wakes up, assuming you aren't already here."

Andre watches Jade in silence for another moment.

"What happened? I can't be _that_ bad, can it?"

Jade laughs bitterly for a second as she stares at the now empty can in her hand, "She said she was in love with me."

Andre can't hide the shock in his eyes at that admission, "So, what did you say to her?" he asks finally.

"Well, I lied to her – and she knew it – and then I told her it was going to be ok and that we could still be friends."

Andre looks slightly angry at this, "So what, you just wrote her off because she told you she was gay? I never figured you were so closed minded."

Jade looks up to glare at him, a small fire returning to her eyes, "I didn't handle it well. I get it. You see how well you do when Robbie and his creepy doll declare their undying affection for you. And for the record? I've known Cat likes girls for over a year now."

Andre has the grace to looks slightly ashamed of his previous accusation and can't meet Jade's eyes.

Jade finally drops her glare and turns to look down the empty hallway, "Alright look, I'll go home tonight. I've got my own car so I won't need a ride. Just… leave me alone, ok? I don't need to sit down and have long talks about my feelings. Cat was hit by car. Sitting down and talking about why that sucks doesn't change the fact that it does."

Jade gets up to get rid of the empty soda can, signaling the end of the conversation. When she returns Andre is gone. She settles back into her seat and looks across the nearby hallway at the windows of Cat's room, once again losing herself in her thoughts.

…

"_I don't know, maybe? I don't think about my smiles that often."_

"_Well I like this smile, and I like that I only see it when it's just us. It feels like it's mine."_


End file.
